Relationship Role Models – An Excerpt from The Go-To Relationship Guide for Gay Men

This is an excerpt from Chapter 5 of The Go-To Relationship Guide for Gay Men by Tom Bruett, LMFT.

When I was a wee little gay in the early 2000s, I was in love with Brian Kinney. For those unfamiliar with the name, he was the gorgeous, avoidant, mean, and damaged character on the show Queer as Folk. I remember staying up late and sneaking the show in so that no one in my household would know I watched it. As we talked about in Chapter 2, many of our early relationship role models come from the relationships we see in our lives and those we see represented in media. Brian Kinney was my first TV crush, and boy was I in trouble!

Now I am an older gay millennial, but when I was younger, there weren’t many examples of healthy gay relationships in my community or the media. Hopefully, there are older gay millennials out there who had more positive role models to choose from, but that was not my lot. I was trying to emulate the straight examples that were presented to me in the musicals I loved. Here was my chance to help save and change the sad, miserable Brian Kinney. If he could just open his heart to love, then everything would click
into place. Brian was successful, handsome, and had a killer loft apartment. I was drawn to the sexual openness and fluidity portrayed in many of the relationships pictured in that show. I had never seen anything like that in my own life and didn’t even know it was a possibility. Though I imagine if I rewatched it today, I’d have a different perspective on the relationships portrayed.

As I’ve said before, gay culture is not a monolith and I’ve certainly talked to many gay folx who didn’t relate to Queer as Folk at all. If I’ve learned anything in all the growth, experimentation, and training I’ve done over the years it’s that there’s no correct way to be in a relationship. Luckily, there are skills that we can all learn to make us better partners and humans.

Relationship role models

One of the questions I like to ask most all my clients early on in our work together is “who were your relationship role models growing up?” This question often prompts a rich and reflective conversation
that begins to help people define the values that are important to them in relationships. Ruben and his partner came to see me for relationship work. Ruben is a well-educated tech worker who grew up in the South.

His parents have been married for 30 years. When I asked him who his relationship role models were growing up he let me know quickly that there were no out-gay relationships in his community as a kid. His parents are very religious and he still isn’t officially out to them. He doesn’t hide his sexuality either as his partner is welcome home for the holidays as long as they sleep on separate floors. When I asked Ruben if he wanted his relationship to look like his parents’ marriage, he didn’t miss a beat before emphatically letting out a strong “hell fucking no!” Ruben likes the loyalty his parents have and their love for him. He wants a monogamous relationship like they have, but he won’t stand for their lack of physical affection and coldness to one another.

One of the things many of us have to do is deprogram our ideas about what a healthy relationship looks like. I’d like to think that if we hadn’t lost an entire generation of men to HIV and AIDS we’d have more role models to look up to and emulate.

Relationship values

When I met my current partner, I was very clear that I didn’t want to be in a monogamous relationship again. As a self-proclaimed empathetic conflict-avoider in recovery (that’s a mouthful), it was clear to me that I needed space for myself inside a relationship. As we were sculpting our relationship, we looked to those around us in our community for inspiration.

We certainly didn’t want to be like my parents. That was clear. They died way too young and weren’t particularly happy in their relationship. My partner’s parents are incredibly lovely people who have been together for almost 50 years. There are things about how they structured their lives that we admire and want to emulate in our own partnership. Then we spanned out to our friend circle and realized there are many relationships that we admire and respect.

It’s useful to be able to have conversations with your partner about what values are important to you in a relationship. Use your community as a jumping-off point for those conversations. We never really know what goes on inside someone else’s relationship unless we’re a part of it, or we’re their relationship therapist. Nevertheless, use what you observe and imagine as a jumping-off point to start getting clear about your relationship values.

Talk to your community

If you’d like to take it a step further, have vulnerable and authentic conversations with those people in your community that you respect and admire. Ask them to share what works for them and what doesn’t. If you were writing an article for a newspaper on a topic that you weren’t very familiar with you’d probably interview experts. From my perspective, your relationship is one of the most important aspects of your life. Relationship satisfaction is constantly referenced as one of the markers of a meaningful life.

If you don’t have anyone in your community who has a relationship you’d like to emulate, turn to media. Are there people or relationships in film, TV, or books that you are drawn to? Though Brian Kinney doesn’t live the life I’d like for myself in many ways, there are aspects of his persona that I do admire, like his sex positivity and fearlessness.

The sky is the limit

As we’ll talk about in Chapter 20, the sky is the limit in terms of relationship structures. You can have your pick between monogamy, CNM, polyamory, and the list goes on. We’re going to talk later about the variety of choices that you get to make in your relationship. That’s the key here. I want you to make choices. So often we can fall into relationships that feel comfortable and all of a sudden five years have passed and you’re not sure if you’re satisfied or not.

If you’re picking a primary partner to build a life with, that’s going to be one of the most important decisions you ever make. It’s a decision that deserves time and attention. Sure, you can always separate or divorce, but I won’t recommend it.

Your North Star

Talking about your values, relationship role models and the type of partnership you want to be in begins to help you find a direction for your life together. Bader and Pearson call this your North Star. Having a North Star gives you something to orient yourself toward when the going gets tough. It gives you focus and a goal to work toward.

As you go through this next part of the book, I will be laying out some of the choices that you can make in your relationship. I can share this blueprint with you, but for it to have any impact, you’re going to have to make it your own. Tear it apart, examine what speaks to you, and experiment.

Take a moment to self-reflect on your own relationship role models. If you’re in a relationship, share these reflections with your partner(s) when you’re ready.

1. Who were your relationship role models growing up?
2. Were those relationships ones you’d like to emulate in your own life?
3. What did you like about them?
4. What did you dislike about them?

The Go-To Relationship Guide for Gay Men: From Honeymoon to Lasting Commitment by Tom Bruett, LMFT is available now!