Read this teaser for Relationship Counselling with Autistic Neurodiverse Couples by Tony Attwood and Maxine Aston – a book that will help you to expand your therapeutic toolkit and foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships for neurodiverse couples.
When we first discussed the idea for this research on autistic neurodiverse couples and the potential for a subsequent book in 2014, we had no idea where it would lead, how many responses we would get and what the outcome would be. We were, however, both aware of the large number of negative reports we had received from neurodiverse couples about how let down they felt by the relationship counselling they had received.
These reports regarding their experiences of relationship counselling came from both the autistic partner and the non-autistic partner, some of which were genuinely concerning. For example, one autistic gentleman attended relationship counselling with his non-autistic wife. In the first session, the counsellor, who advertised her expertise in working with neurodiverse couples, asked him, ‘How long have you been affected by this disease?’ Following this, the couple walked out of the session, and both were left feeling let down and very disappointed.
Another example was a non-autistic woman being asked by the relationship counsellor why she could not accept that her autistic partner was ‘just behaving like a man’. This damming statement, she felt, played a key role in why they gave up as a couple, separated and are now divorced.
These are just two of many examples that we have been privy to, and part of the reason why we decided to discover for ourselves the experiences of neurodiverse couples who had attended relationship counselling. We wanted to know first-hand what had worked for couples and what had not. We wanted to hear in the couples’ own words their experience of relationship counselling.
Respondents in the survey were asked whether they would attend couples counselling in the future. Over half of autistic and non-autistic respondents answered yes to this question. This clearly shows that the majority of the couples who had attended couple counselling were still willing to try again despite some of the negative experiences they had endured. However, the majority that answered yes to this question continued to state they would only attend couple counselling again if the counsellor was trained, knowledgeable and experienced in working with autistic neurodiverse couples. The counsellor’s experience and training in working with neurodiversity were reported as the main reasons for the effectiveness or ineffectiveness of the counselling in the reports we received from both partners.
Numerous times in the responses, the need to be understood as an individual and/or as a couple was expressed, as was the need for the counsellor to have an equal understanding of both partners in the relationship. This was highlighted as a necessary prerequisite for the success of relationship counselling. We have frequently witnessed in our work with autistic clients the relief expressed by both partners, exclaiming how they felt understood for the first time.
Respondents offered many practical suggestions for how future counselling could be improved. One of these was for separate sessions to be offered as well as couple sessions. Whilst one non-autistic partner suggested separate sessions for her autistic partner only, this recommendation came mainly from the autistic respondents in the survey. One of the reasons for this is the fear of confrontation. Some autistic individuals have a strong aversion to any form of confrontation and many will do anything to avoid possible conflict, including remaining silent for fear of upsetting their partner.
In our book we also explore further aspects of working with Autistic neurodiverse relationships, including how to identify the characteristics of autism in a partner who has not experienced a diagnostic assessment for autism, how to adjust counselling to accommodate aspects of autism, especially communication styles, the regulation of emotions and sensory sensitivity, and how to formulate an accurate picture of the relationship and both partners. It is also important to consider potential barriers to counselling and how autistic strengths and qualities can be recognised and incorporated.
In counselling, endings are as important as beginnings. The first session can set the scene for how the counselling will proceed and how successful the therapeutic relationship will be. Likewise, endings are what the clients are left with and take forward with them into the future. The couple will be putting into practice the learning and strategies that counselling will hopefully equip them with. Some describe this as handing clients a toolbox full of tools they can pull out and use when needed.
We wrote the book to encourage both counsellors and counselling organizations to act on the information and advice that it contains. This book also gives voice to all the couples that have been let down by the counselling support they received and, consequently, have had their relationship damaged by the outcome. The evidence from our survey indicated very strongly that relationship counselling failed because the counsellor did not recognize that the couple were neurodiverse or because they had not received adequate training to understand and work in this area.