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Stuck on Hard Mode was written by AuDHD gamer Erin Phillips.
The AuDHD Brain when Autistic Inertia and ADHD Paralysis Come Out to Play
Hey, get up, says your Brain. You have a lot to do today.
“I am up,” you grumble, your voice muffled by the comforter over your head. The blue light of your phone illuminates the darkness under the covers as you scroll aimlessly through your social media feeds, searching for a hit of that sweet, sweet dopamine.
No, get up, up. If your Brain was capable of sighing, it would right now. You wrote down that whole to-do list last night, and were so gung-ho about getting everything on it accomplished today. Yet all you’ve done so far today is look at your phone.
“Give me a sec, will you? It’s Saturday. It’s not like I have a specific time to be up.” You continue to scroll, pausing to chuckle at a baby gorilla sneezing and scaring itself.
A second? You’ve been awake for over an hour already. Don’t— don’t you have to pee or something?
“Oh, yeah. Really bad. My bladder hurts.” You continue to scroll.
Maybe—just spit-balling ideas here, but—maybe you should go to the bathroom.
“I will. In a minute.” Your eyes are glazed over, reflecting the light of the phone screen, while your bladder throbs in pain.
Really? Your Brain harrumphs. Look, if you don’t get up and get to work on that list soon, I’m just going to zone out for the day. You are exhaustingto deal with.
You sigh and nod in agreement. Your bladder aches, you’ve got a whole day of chores and errands planned, and your Brain is mad at you… but you can’t seem to stop scrolling. The slow trickle of dopamine you’re getting from the stupid memes and videos online is just enough that your Brain, the thing yelling at you to get to work, is content enough to not actually do anything. Well, anything but remind you that you’re a failure because you can’t get out of bed and perform the simplest of tasks. Are you confused yet?
Welcome to the wonderful world of AuDHD—that is, Autism Spectrum Disorder and ADHD—together. This article will not be a deep dive. It will be a shallow dive. Actually, strike that. Those are dangerous. Consider this article to be a quick splash about in the kiddie pool. My name is Erin, I am diagnosed with both ASD and ADHD, and I’m just as confused as you are. Well. Maybe not just as. But I am confused. At this point, I fear my confusion may be becoming a personality trait. But, I digress. I am diagnosed with both ASD and ADHD, ergo, I am AuDHD.
Being AuDHD is a special kind of hell—and I say that with affection. I wouldn’t want to be any other way, because the AuDHD is part of my brain chemistry, and without it, I would be a different person. I happen to be partial to…myself. For the most part, I like me. The aforementioned hell of being AuDHD happens because sometimes the two conditions don’t play nicely together, which would explain why I need routines in order to function, but I can’t stick to routines for love nor money. Unless they are accidental routines that I happen to fall into, like, eating the same snack every night. Helpful routines, though? Nah, my brain can’t be bothered.
What’s worse than when my autism and ADHD don’t play nicely together? When they play too nicely together. This is what is happening at the beginning of the article, when the Brain is begging “you” to quit scrolling on your phone, get out of bed, go pee, and just get shit done. That whole scene is thanks to autistic inertia and ADHD paralysis having a playdate.
What is autistic inertia? Basically, an inability to transition. Or at least a great difficulty with it. When an autistic body is in a certain state, it would prefer to stay that way, thankyouverymuch. Unfortunately for those of us with ASD, every day is filled with transitions. Hell, just standing up from being sat down is a transition. And our brain instinctively rebels against them (unless the transition is wanted and self-instigated—but we sometimes even have trouble with those). This is why, while most kids might be annoyed by having to pause or save and turn off a video game to go eat dinner, that same situation is likely to result in a child with ASD having a full blown meltdown. (Note: A meltdown is not a tantrum. Tantrums are thrown with the intent of seeking attention and getting one’s way. A meltdown is involuntary, and stems from an inability to control our reactions to being overwhelmed and overstimulated, be it by outside triggers, or even our own emotions).
What is ADHD paralysis? What it says on the tin. Essentially, it is an executive functioning issue that renders us unable (or, at least, able, at great difficulty only) to complete tasks, because we aren’t able to prioritize steps needing to be taken to get to a certain point. From the outside looking in, the person dealing with ADHD paralysis may appear lazy or unmotivated. That is not the case, I assure you. We are simply mentally overwhelmed by the tasks needing done, because they are all jumbled in our heads with no specific priority to anything. When we pick a task at random to try and snap out of paralysis mode, then we have to sort through how to actually get that task started. Our executives do not function very well at all. They apologize for the inconvenience. (However, they’re not actually sorry, and will continue to cause trouble).
If you’re neurotypical (that is, you brain normally), the act of getting ready for the day probably doesn’t feel like a transition. It’s just…getting ready. The act of rolling out of bed may not seem like an actual task that you have to think about. I look at it like this: neurotypical people operate on automatic, while people with ASD, ADHD, or the Combo Platter! have no automatic setting, and must do everything manually. We have to think about every step that goes into a task as we do it, while y’all just zip through with little to no thought at all.
For your edification, I am providing a glimpse into what I go through getting out of bed in the morning as an AuDHDer.
Transition 1) From asleep to awake. Difficulty level: Low.
(Note: I’m using an easy morning for this, without an alarm set. Waking up is Max Difficulty when alarms are involved, because they are inevitably set much, much earlier than my body’s natural wake up time, and snooze is often hit multiple times. And then the second alarm goes off, because, like I knew I would, I ran out of snoozes on the first one).
Transition 2) From eyes closed to eyes open. Difficulty level: Moderate.
Sometimes my mind just revs up and goes while my body remains motionless. So I’m technically awake, but don’t look or feel that way.
Transition 3) Roll over to grab phone and look at the time. Difficulty level: Low
Transition 4) Open social media and begin scrolling. Difficulty level: Lower than Hermes Conrad can Limbo (aka automatic, programmed behavior).
Transition 5) From lying down to sitting on the edge of the bed. Difficulty Level while still Doom Scrolling: Mid to high. Difficulty Level to put phone down, then sit up: No.
Transition 6) From sitting on the edge of bed to standing up. Difficulty Level: High to Max
Yes, really. Some mornings I am still scrolling my phone at this point, attempting to tear my eyeballs away from the screen. However, even if I managed to put the phone down during Transition 5, it generally takes me a good five to ten minutes sitting on the edge of the bed, staring into the void space, allowing my brain to process whatever it’s processing that morning, before slowly standing and shuffling to the bathroom.
So, what exactly are you supposed to do with this information? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ If you’re an AuDHDer (or even just one or the other), my main advice to you is to Just Keep Trying. I’m not going to tell you to try harder, because you’re already on Hard Mode, and doing your best. I see you.
If you really have trouble with your executives functioning in the morning like I do, you could try charging your cell phone across the room from you at night. That way you have to get out of bed to silence it when your alarm goes off. Just make sure to use the loudest, most obnoxious alarm you can find. (My go-to is YOUR NEW MORNING ALARM by Marc Rebillet.)
If you are neurotypical, my main ask is that you have patience with the neurodivergent people in your life. Try to understand when we are late to things, or complicate things for you, it’s never on purpose. Trust me, we don’t want to be late for that event either. In fact, some of us overcompensate by always arriving super early, because what even is time? “On time” is such a nebulous concept to most of us. Anyway, just try to be kind. We really are out here trying our best.