By Stephen Hull, co-author of The Parent’s Guide to SEND, available now from www.jkp.com
When school goes well everything can seem easy. Routines work well, nobody in the family is stressed, and your child is making good social and academic progress. When things with school are strained, the opposite is true: everything is stressful and nobody can focus on school or work. Hopefully your child’s experience of school will be an altogether positive one. But there are steps you can take as a parent to help the placement – whether mainstream or special – to work as well as possible. These aren’t crisis management top tips: rather they are my main take-aways from seeing my 8 year old son thrive after transitioning to his current school.
- Trust your instincts
When my son first started school I wasn’t comfortable with the setting, the support he had, or how he was coping. But I only recognised this in retrospect. At the time the school seemed to think everything was okay and I felt like he really should give it a go. The teachers and SENDCO kept telling me he was doing fine; and so I started questioning myself and second guessing everything. But he was coming home really overstimulated and each morning was a battle to get him in. Looking back, I should have trusted my instincts more and acknowledged how I really felt.
- Build your tribe
Part of being able to trust your instincts is about having people around you can trust and who understand your situation. It can take time to build these relationships and you might not prioritise this if things are going well. But it’s worth the effort to meet more parents from your child’s setting and reach out beyond your usual circle so you have people to bounce ideas off of and who can support you if you’re not sure about something. Your support to others is equally important of course.
- Listen to your child
You know your child better than anyone and you are best placed to get their feedback. If they are older they may well be able to describe specifics about what they like and don’t like about school and why. But more than likely you will have to look for clues not only in what they say, but also how they act. A child’s behaviour is probably the biggest indicator of how they are feeling. ‘Listening’ to your child isn’t just about words: it’s about recognising their mental state before and after school and understanding their triggers.
- Give the school a chance
I have heard my friend and co-author of The Parent’s Guide to SEND – who has been a teacher for 20 years – say numerous times that he has never met a teacher or school leader who did not want the best for every pupil. Likewise he has never been in a school that didn’t want every pupil to do well. But it doesn’t always seem like that from the outside. We parents can feel marginalised and ignored. Schools don’t always get it right, especially if they have staff changes or other internal pressures. But they also know things about education and supporting pupils that we don’t know. Sometimes you have to give them the benefit of the doubt, but it can help to ask them to explain decisions you don’t understand more thoroughly or more often.
- Be direct and objective
If you do want something to change I found it’s best to approach the situation as if you were making a complaint to a business. This isn’t easy because you are obviously completely emotionally driven when it comes to your children. But try to be objective and specific; and above all try to explain implications for you and your child so the school can emphathise more easily. For example: ‘When my child gets home from school he is mentally worn out, has a meltdown every evening and cannot sleep. I think the transition to year 3 has been too much too soon. I would like to revert back to his previous reduced timetable of four hours per day. I fear if we do not do this, he may not be able to attend every day because of how he’s feeling. We could review this after Christmas.’
So there you have it: my top tips for successful school placements.
Gary Aubin and Stephen Hull have co-written The Parent’s Guide to SEND: Supporting your child with additional needs at home, school and beyond.