Letting Children Grow Without Anxiety
Our culture is one of speed, efficiency, and results; it should come as no surprise that to some, parenting has become just that. Nowadays many parents are searching, comparing, and measuring their child’s progress against some unknown timeline that they have never consciously decided to follow. As parents, it is very human to ask, “How is my child developing?” However, while our understanding of development has increased over the years, our anxiety levels have done so as well; ultimately causing some parents to manage their child’s development instead of trusting it.
As parents our worries don’t arise from not caring. Rather, it usually comes from a great deal of love and a genuine feeling of responsibility. When parents show concern, it is not difficult to understand how support can creep subtly into control. When every step and every sign of progress is closely watched, attention can slowly shift away from simply being present and toward steering development in a very specific direction. That shift often happens quietly and with the best intentions, but it can affect how secure a learning environment feels and subtly strain the relationship between parent and child.
Sometimes the shift away from trust has less to do with what parents are doing and more to do with the spaces children are learning in.
Their environment deeply affects young children. Simple elements like where they sit, move, and gather can either support calm focus or heighten tension. Research and classroom experience continue to show ways classroom rugs transform learning spaces by offering children a defined, shared area that encourages connection, movement, and a sense of belonging. When the environment feels predictable and inviting, children often settle more easily, and adults feel less pressure to manage every moment.
Now, let’s take a look at what is behind this wall of anxiety around child development, how it’s learned, and how it can be overcome by a trusting approach to child development.
When Development Becomes Something to Manage
There was a moment early on in my Montessori journey that continues to resonate with me far longer than any training manual. During a school assembly, I remember a mom standing next to me. Looking tired and nervous she asked if her daughter should already be reading. I responded with a “why do you ask?” The answer was one I’ve heard time and time again. It came from late night internet searches about when children should start reading, milestone charts shared in parenting groups, comments from friends comparing their kids’ progress; and the quiet fear that if she missed something now, it might be too late later.
The thing I found the most interesting, is not the question itself, but the sense of urgency I felt from her. Many children just like hers are fully engaged throughout the day, they work through a variety of materials and activities; without having a clue of the unspoken expectations set upon them. Child development is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. I believe it’s a mistake to place “childhood” on a strict timeline. When we do, parents often become managers of a project rather than witnesses to a journey; unfortunately without realizing it.
In many instances, the need to control the child’s development is not about the child at all. Rather, it is about the adult’s own childhood, where emotional safety was not guaranteed, where they felt accepted but on a conditional basis, and where making a mistake had lasting consequences. Children brought up in an uncertain emotional climate are encouraged to be constantly on the lookout, reading the emotional signs of the people they are with, and constantly measuring their own responses. As adults, they often continue to do the same, but in the guise of responsibility.
Anxiety Often Inherited, Not Chosen
The best thing parents can do is to not use pressure. The ideal child environment is one where they are constantly reminded that everything is going to be all right. More often than not, the reason parents are concerned about their children comes from their own anxiety. Maybe mom is concerned about her son Andrew’s upcoming science fair project. Perhaps dad worries about being a good father and what other parents think. Once we, as adults, understand the cause of our own anxiety, we can allow our children to grow up without the weight of our own experiences. Fiona Zandt says it best: “A parent who feels anger as well as fear in response to their child’s anxiety may, in talking this through, be able to recognise that they lacked an opportunity to sit with their own anxieties in childhood” Emotional intelligence begins with the adult, not the child.
As we see when helping children develop emotional intelligence through healthy boundaries, limits alone are not enough. Children rely on the emotional stability and self-regulation of the adults guiding them. Children need their mom or dad to be able to set boundaries in a loving way, not the projection of the parent’s anxiety. I feel, “Is this about my child, or is this about my fear?” is a question that can bring a sigh of relief to the nervous system of many parents.
What Trusting Development Actually Looks Like
It is not about ignoring the challenges, difficulties, or the fact that our children are having a hard time. It is basically about parents being present and not panicking. Trusting development is about paying attention to the process, not the end results. It is about allowing repetition, pausing, and knowing when to take a step back; basically trusting that not every moment needs to be corrected or hurried. It starts with the understanding that there’s no one ‘right way’ to parent your child, pressure often does more harm than good. Children need an environment that feels emotionally safe, encourages curiosity, allows for mistakes, and does not constantly require them to measure their development. Children in these environments feel the stability of the adults around them and know that there is no race to win, and no version of themselves to perform in order to receive affection.
As stated by the Harvard-based Center on the Developing Child:
“Supportive relationships and positive learning experiences begin at home but can also be provided through a range of services with proven effectiveness factors. Babies’ brains require stable, caring, interactive relationships with adults — any way or any place they can be provided will benefit healthy brain development.”
Low stress, nurturing, and emotional safety are not optional. They are the foundation of a child’s development. Children learn best once they feel regulated, and their self-confidence comes from feeling connected first.
Shifting the Focus Back to the Parent
As the parents release the need to control the process of their kids’ development, something very interesting occurs. The child usually becomes more engaged, not less. Motivation rises because we are focusing on the child’s motivation, not the adult’s. From experience many parents feel a sense of relief. That anxiousness and need to watch their children’s every move diminishes. Furthermore, that voice of criticism in the parent’s head becomes less prominent. Parenting becomes less about doing it “right” and more about being there.
I once worked with a parent who described the change of focus perfectly, she said: “I stopped raising my voice, planned ahead and somehow he started doing more on his own. I didn’t realize how much anxiety shaped my decisions.” A little planning and self-reflection helped her home feel calmer. Children are aware of the tone that adults use. When there is a change to a more calming and assuring tone, there is room for more learning to occur.
Some parents may find it useful to incorporate some gentle and grounding techniques that can be helpful to their children during difficult and overwhelming times. Sources that offer calming activities for kids for instance, but only if they are not used as quick fixes.
Honoring the Child’s Spirit
Children enter this world with their own God given gifts and their own way of relating to the world and to others. When parents work with their kids, and respect their differences, rather than imposing their will, something subtle occurs; a sense of stability in the family. The child is no longer in a hurry, being compared, nor subtly encouraged to perform at someone else’s speed- the foundation of the Montessori method and the building of emotional intelligence.
I recall a mother coming up to me. She said: “Mrs. Elena, my little one takes too long getting ready for school, and it’s stressing me out..” What I remember telling her: “I suggest we change our focus from how fast we need to get ready to how we can help our child get ready.” Preparing the space needed the night before for example. Establishing a simple routine for the mornings where getting dressed, having breakfast, and preparing the lunchbox are all tasks the child could be a part of rather than having to be rushed through.
Months later, she came up to me again, and said: “He hasn’t gotten any faster, but our mornings don’t feel like a disorganized mess anymore”. As a parent begins to trust a child’s development, something changes between the two. Ultimately a child grows without pressure and parents feel more confident. At the center of a child’s development is trust.