This blog post was written by therapist and bestselling author Natasha Daniels.
I did not know I had social anxiety until I was in my forties. I had spent almost two decades as a child anxiety and OCD therapist and had never once considered my own struggles. I get the irony, but it actually isn’t that surprising.
Social anxiety is one of the most misunderstood disorders. It hides in plain sight. Those that struggle with it often have little insight into what is causing their issues. It is easy to buy into the narrative that you are not enough; that you are on the outside looking in.
That is the story I spoon-fed myself until my stomach soured. It was the story I whispered to myself until I could not stomach it anymore.
In my memoir, Out of My Shell: Overcoming Social Anxiety from Childhood to Adulthood, I walk readers through the journey of denial to acceptance. I expose the inner workings of social anxiety and explore the underbelly of a beast that likes to lurk in the shadows.
I expose stereotypes that simplify and erroneously define social anxiety. Definitions that prevent people from fully understanding their own struggles and preventing others from truly comprehending the depths of this disorder. Here are just a few misperceptions people have about social anxiety:
1. People with Social Anxiety are Shy and/or Introverted
Many people equate social anxiety with being shy and/or introverted. Although many people with social anxiety are shy or introverted, that has nothing to do with the definition of social anxiety.
Social anxiety centers around the fear of rejection, judgment, and criticism. It can make people feel like they are not enough. It can make a person analyze and ruminate over every social interaction. Social anxiety can show up differently for each person, but the foundational fear of rejection and judgment is at the heart of it.
I am an introvert, but when I am comfortable, I am incredibly outgoing and talkative. It took me a long time to separate out my need to recharge as an introvert and my need to escape due to my social anxiety.
2. People with Social Anxiety Lack Social Skills
Most people with social anxiety do not lack social skills. In fact, many of us are highly attuned to social kills and etiquette unless there are other comorbid diagnoses. The struggle comes when we are put on the spot and our fear takes over. That is when we often struggle. We might have a tough time jumping into a conversation, stumble on our words because we overthink, or shutdown because we are overwhelmed.
People are often shocked when they hear that I have social anxiety. One of the first things people say is, “but you have such good social skills.” What they don’t see are the hours of ruminating and lamenting that take place after those interactions.
3. People with Social Anxiety Prefer to Be Alone
A common misperception is that those with social anxiety want to be left alone. It is not surprising that is often the conclusion. Many of us with social anxiety get overwhelmed when invited to social gatherings. We might find excuses to avoid going rather than deal with our social anxiety. This can send the wrong message to those who are trying to connect with us.
The truth is most of us with social anxiety crave connection. It is at the very heart of the struggle. We so desperately want to be accepted and loved. We want to be included. We want to be invited. We just can’t always get the courage to go.
That is where being an introvert and having social anxiety differ. Sometimes I need to recharge. I get drained at social gatherings because I am both an introvert and a person with social anxiety. I like my quiet time. I like silence. But often I am avoiding social situations because it makes me anxious, not because I need to recharge.
When I am sitting alone at a party or at a conference I am mortified. I think everyone will think there is something wrong with me. I see everyone else socializing, and it makes me feel even more uncomfortable. My body language and my face say leave me alone, but my mind is screaming, please come sit with me!
4. People with Social Anxiety Show Obvious Signs of Distress
Not everyone shows physical signs of distress when they are socially anxious. Yes, social anxiety can make us blush and shake, but not all the time. What you see isn’t always the full picture. Many of us have become very adept at masking our social anxiety.
When family members read my memoir many of them said, “I had no idea you had social anxiety.” That’s because social anxiety is often a hidden disorder. My inner turmoil was not allowed to be on full display. I could spend hours getting up the nerve to go to a social gathering and another few weeks reviewing everything that happening in those two hours. It was exhausting.
5. People with Social Anxiety Can’t Perform
One thing I often hear from parents raising anxious kids in my AT Parenting Community is their child’s social anxiety doesn’t make sense. Why can they get up on stage and do a dance recital, but they can’t have dinner with our relatives?
Social anxiety doesn’t make sense to those that don’t have it. Some people with social anxiety feel completely comfortable if something is scripted or they are performing with others.
We all have our own flavor of social anxiety. I am personally in awe of people who can go on stage without being triggered, but many people with social anxiety do it and love it.
In my memoir, Out of My Shell, I help paint a detailed picture of the true nature of social anxiety and the chaos it can create. Throughout the book my adult self meets with younger versions of myself to have long overdue therapy sessions to heal past misperceptions and narratives that fed my social anxiety. We can all heal from this debilitating disorder, regardless of age.
Natasha Daniels is a Child Therapist, specialising in OCD and anxiety, and has worked with children and teens and their families for over 20 years. She is the author of several books, including How to Parent Your Anxious Toddler, The Grief Rock, Crushing OCD Workbook for Kids, and Out of My Shell. Natasha is based in Arizona, USA.